~nik~ (forevertomorrow) wrote,

The Short Straw

Something is missing.

Not sure yet exactly what it is... but there is definately something.

I'm not going to go into all the events of the past week. I've been trying to recount them in my "paper journal" and I'm very behind.

I started Saddleback up again. Good and bad. One class of each. Since I have no reason really to be going I'm only going to keep one class. I've already met people in there... made friends. lol.

My grandma's here, so that's very good. My grandpa is in the hospital and there has been little news filtered this direction so I'm keeping him in my prayers.

I feel very alone, but not in a bad way. The "wilderness" metaphor that's been floating around, I can't understand that. I HATE the out doors, nothing great about it. We have photography to bring us the visual beauty of nature. I can't fully understand the metaphor, because I have no experience of wilderness to draw from. During this time I've come to realize how little I do understand and how much it sets me apart. I can pretend I'm another one of the guys, but really I'm not. I don't understand yet because I have nothing to draw from.
I was listening to Father Victor's sermon today (thank you Eric). Such simple concepts of marriage are so foreign to me. Yeah I can hear about them and read about them and understand them in theory, but I never saw them. I was never conditioned to believe in them. (Hey look, I learned something in psychology!)
So I guess I've just felt very separated lately. Sometimes I'm worried I'm doing something wrong, and others I'm jealous of everyone. But most of the time it's been fine. I'm not bouncing off the walls happy, but I sit content, for no apparent reason. I'm finally seeing me for who I am and for where I am and not for where I think I should be.

oh, i figured it out, I think i know what I'm missing...
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