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In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get? [entries|friends|calendar]
~nik~

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Yesterday was a sad day... [07 Mar 2004|09:21pm]
March 24th, 2004 is a day that will go down in this nation's history. We can all tell our grandchildren, and they will tell their grandchildren where we were when the most horrible thing imaginable happened to this great land of ours... Frasier taped it's final episode.


Laugh all you want but I am torn.



On that note I want to say that I've got a new journal... I was in need of a change. The name is nycbradshaw (I do not know how to do the link). And I know my name isn't carrie even if it says that... that's what the C stands for in the NYC (as well as city, i suppose). PLEASE ADD TO FRINES LIST! Bye kiddies...
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life and love's bitch [06 Mar 2004|06:35am]
[ mood | cynical ]

I came to a realization the other day. If my life were a book or a TV show I know exactly which man I'd be rooting for to be "the one" for me. (And don't start guessing, he doesn't go to St. Michael's, I doubt he's even heard of it.) I look back and see the perfect path that we have created. A path filled with love, misunderstanding, heartbreak and laughter. He would be the perfect, and logical ending.

But life is not a book or a TV show. Life is a fucked up reality. Even after realizing all of this, he is *not* who I want. Not in the slightest. I mean, he's wonderful and all, and it would be horribly convenient (and equally romantic) but that's not the ending--not my ending. And I am very glad for that. I'm not even factoring God's plan into this at all. I just realized that sitting on the sidelines and playing the game I find myself rooting for entirely different teams.

Which brings me to think... am I trying to sabotage myself? Do I find some hidden joy in being love's underdog? No. It's just that the easy, perfect answer isn't always the right one.

People are not always going to be around. Those who you love will eventually leave you in one form or the other and there is not a damn thing we can do about it.

I don't seem to want anything until it is gone. Well I lost something and for the first time I want something big in return. Selfish as it may seem, I want collateral. And I feel like the thing I want for collateral is always just two steps ahead of me, but if it weren't out of reach... would I still want it?




look how hot i am ;-)Collapse )

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Happy Groundhog Day! (although not happy for the Panthers) [02 Feb 2004|09:46pm]
I knew it was going to rain today. I'm one of those old people you can feel the weather change in their joints. lol. It's true.

My Lindsay got into my school, USD. I'm stoaked for her. My dad is jealous of her parents. It all works. Although I could transfer from Saddleback after one semester, even without summerschool.

Our good friends, the Baucke's, (my boss' family) are moving to Temecula... I'm so upset. I really do not want them to go. My Christopher is only 3... I want to watch him grow up.



Happy Birthday Jimmy
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[22 Jan 2004|09:16pm]
My "ode to tyler" post went away right as I was about to post it.

It also had small mention of my birthday and an enjoyable lunch with becki.

Mostly Ode to Tyler.

so this is the humble filler =)
3 nickels or a dime| Beg, steal or borrow

[22 Jan 2004|06:33pm]
Spring time for hitler and germany, a surprise smash! Springtime for hitler and germany, it'll run for years!
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[19 Jan 2004|12:24pm]
[ mood | content ]

You say good-bye
Away you fly
But on your lips you'll keep a kiss
All your life you'll dream of this
Lovely
Lovely night...


That's (secretly) what I always wanted. Now it's time to sit back and see what happens. I'm done. It's not up to me. I think I'm finally getting that.

2 nickels or a dime| Beg, steal or borrow

The Short Straw [15 Jan 2004|10:16pm]
Something is missing.

Not sure yet exactly what it is... but there is definately something.

I'm not going to go into all the events of the past week. I've been trying to recount them in my "paper journal" and I'm very behind.

I started Saddleback up again. Good and bad. One class of each. Since I have no reason really to be going I'm only going to keep one class. I've already met people in there... made friends. lol.

My grandma's here, so that's very good. My grandpa is in the hospital and there has been little news filtered this direction so I'm keeping him in my prayers.


I feel very alone, but not in a bad way. The "wilderness" metaphor that's been floating around, I can't understand that. I HATE the out doors, nothing great about it. We have photography to bring us the visual beauty of nature. I can't fully understand the metaphor, because I have no experience of wilderness to draw from. During this time I've come to realize how little I do understand and how much it sets me apart. I can pretend I'm another one of the guys, but really I'm not. I don't understand yet because I have nothing to draw from.
I was listening to Father Victor's sermon today (thank you Eric). Such simple concepts of marriage are so foreign to me. Yeah I can hear about them and read about them and understand them in theory, but I never saw them. I was never conditioned to believe in them. (Hey look, I learned something in psychology!)
So I guess I've just felt very separated lately. Sometimes I'm worried I'm doing something wrong, and others I'm jealous of everyone. But most of the time it's been fine. I'm not bouncing off the walls happy, but I sit content, for no apparent reason. I'm finally seeing me for who I am and for where I am and not for where I think I should be.



oh, i figured it out, I think i know what I'm missing...
1 nickel or a dime| Beg, steal or borrow

Like My Icon? [08 Jan 2004|09:35pm]
[ mood | Rambly ]

16 days an I am "of age". I can smoke, buy porn, pierce things, buy stuff off infomercials, vote, and gamble.

Am I growing up?

Have I grown up?

Not five minutes ago I found myself on the "Container Store" website. Hoping to organize my closet. I assume that is a fairly "adult" thing to do. Most young children to do get urges to look up closet organization unless instructed by a parent, or someone old and obsessive.

So I look though the "organize closet" section and find a link that says "plan closet".
Perfect! Exactly what I was looking for.
Now there is a list.
What kind of closet am I planning?
*Adult Closet
*Child's Closet
*Linen Closet
*Hall Closet
*Pantry
*Garage
*Laundry Room
*Home Office

I hesitate a moment and click "child's closet". I don't want some old granny closet with boring colors and wooden shelves. I want pastels and plastic!
I'm too big. The amout of space allowed for hanging shirts in this "child's closet" is way too short.
My shirts are too long.
I'm too big.
I'm too old.

When did I outgrow the child's closet? When did I start caring about closets? When did I start filing for taxes and realizing that in 16 days I can get married and my parents can't stop me. (Not that I can legally toast that marriage, but oh well.)

I've spent my life as the younger one. Cory's 22. Sarah's 20. Frankie's 21. My good friend Lindsey Boutcher from when I was in elementary school was 4 years older than me.
When the hell did I get old enough to be responsible? My mom still does my laundry!



lol.
just wait 'til I get to my mid-life crisis...

4 nickels or a dime| Beg, steal or borrow

[01 Jan 2004|05:02pm]
Happy New Year. Resolutions? Soon to come. I made Kate draw some up. Then her friends came over and got in the way of my day of homework, resolutions, cleaning, and relaxing. Damn kids. lol. It's only 5... the day is young. Last night was great. Two rounds of mini golf with Ashley and Lindsay. =) And many other in close range. Then Panda Express, cookie dough ice creme, popcorn, Pirates and old yearbooks with Lindsay and LeAnne. Good times. They left a tad before midnight so I had midnight to myself. I had been dreading another midnight alone, but this was I was quite content with... good times. I'd better tackle my poetry homework and possibly go to PF Chang's for dinner (tee he he)

2004. Funny. We wrote that year on a visor I made in kindergarden... it's always been such an important year to me, and now it's actually here... funny.
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[23 Dec 2003|10:17pm]
It looks like Christmas eve is going to be great.
At 11 my dad is coming to pick me up to go to the Chiorpractor-- not the funist of events because I have been spoiled recentally and have had the leisure of sleeping every day until at least 10:30 or 11 and while I realize getting up at 9:30 isn't terrible, it will throw my body clock. Jesse right, I'm a winer. lol. Ok ok. That's a good thing. Wake up and get all loosened up!
Then I have some time to myself.
4:15 my dad is coming to pick up me and Kate to go to China Sea for an early dinner. It's become a tradition of ours. Well, if you can count three years as a tradition... but since it is ever year since he left I consider it a tradition.
After a leasurely dinner we are off to Mission Luthern for 7:00 service followed by whatever happens. Then Kate goes home and my dad and I go to Midnight Mass at St. Michaels (starting at 10:30 -- yes i noticed the timing is funny). Apparently my dad "likes my church". I almost feel over at that statement. But I'm glad... just shocked. Odd. He probably just doesn't want me driving in the middle of the night. lol.

As of Christmas it's a lot less "driving all around" oriented and I'm glad. I doubt I even have to leave the house. =)


I'm not ready for christmas to come and go yet... I'm just getting fully in the spirit!
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[21 Dec 2003|03:25pm]
So, last night I went to Laudate. I really do not remember much of what went on. I remeber riding home with Ashley and meeting the guy with the funny hair and a few other selective things, but the rest is sort of a blur. Oh! And Katie's hat. =) Anyone have a spare Winter Ball Ticket I could buy off them? I'm willing to go as high as $42... you can begin your career as a scalper! I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I just never bought one. I called the Sharp's but it was a message.
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[17 Dec 2003|04:22pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I ran into a girl yesterday at Saddleback who had been in the same homeschooling group as my sister. She is a Jr. at some homeschooler highschool in Tustin and is taking piano at Saddleback. She was in chior with Kate, and that chior was directed by Cindie Laxson, who was also my voice teacher, who passed away earlier this year.

She started telling me about a friend of her that was 13 and went to her church. She them told me about her little niece. I felt inclied to tell her about Jonah, Gina, and Rachel. And I guess my point is that none of these people had anything in common (asside from Jonah and Gina) and yet they were all mentioned in the same conversation because they had all passed away. It's like this unity that bonds people who never would have been grouped together in life. Death's a funny thing...

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[13 Dec 2003|04:07pm]
Yesterday was my parent's 21st wedding anniversary. It is technically an anniversary because they are not yet divorce. Well it'd be an anniversary anyway, but you can still count it legitimately... although Tom Cruise wouldn't -- but that's a story for another day.

I now am the proud owner of Garth Gates' 'What My Heart Wants to Say' and 'Go Your Own Way' *does happy dance* **swoon** Getting about ton Josh Grobon CD's for Christmas. (I realize he does not have 10 albums, but my dad is not good at communicating and I tend to get doubles between my two parents). (I think I just found a perfect "late" birthday gift for Frankie. lol)

Off to the craziness of mall shopping!
2 nickels or a dime| Beg, steal or borrow

[12 Dec 2003|10:07pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Got a lot of Christmas shopping/rapping done today. I'm still working on the big gift for my mom. She is impossible to shop for. Kate got red streaks in her hair-- really red. It looks good though.

I saw the movie 'To be or not to be' today with Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft. Any hard core Producers (the musical) fan has to have not only seen the producers movie but also this movie. It's not widly known at all, but it (obviously) had a big influence on the musical.

No Tatoo until i'm 21 or out of the house. Not too bad I guess, but still. I'm a little bummed. Well, a little more than a little. I bet they'd let Kate get one.

I did something stupid today and now my head hurts. Humm, ah well. It was worth it. lol

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[12 Dec 2003|04:18pm]
MiamiDolphin1312: if i don't have to get a tux and u don't have a date i'll take you


Who else do I ever go with?
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[11 Dec 2003|06:39pm]
In regards to the abundance of notes my last entry created (five is a lot for me!) I think it'd only be fair if I said who it was


;-)
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I feel invigorated! [11 Dec 2003|12:26am]
Life is funny. (How philosphical of me.) Honestly though, it is funny. This whole past week has been nothing short of completely bizarre. Nothing that anything so extrodinary happened, it's just one rice crispy treat after another. But they were all delightful in the end. Okay maybe not delightful, but it all worked out fine. Well, maybe it didn't even work out fine, but I'm happy. I'm happy with things. I'm happy with how things are going. I have no idea what is going on, but I'm happy. I am choosing to ignore the fact that the absense of a certain guy may have something to do with my happiness. After all this time I feel guilty even saying it, but he's got this hold on me and I can't seem to get clarity on anything his shadow looming over me.

I started this entry being winter formal dateless. Now I stand before you with a date. I'm sure everyone is going to be completely shocked by who I'm going with. I see you shiver with antici--
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[10 Dec 2003|05:24pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

And here I sit. Staring at the light glow coming from a PC that has been dark for weeks. Not that I am particularly thrilled that it's working, just "pretty glad".


Aren't we precious? That pic is in my "Senior Sendoff" in the yearbook. I just realized it looks like I am grabbing my mother's crotch. And of all the pictures we decide to put that one in the year book. Ah well, maybe it will be cut off or something. lol.

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Lights are hung! [06 Dec 2003|03:16pm]
Across the garage are a triple strand of colour, draped lights. Across the front lawn are four candy canes standing up and one laying down (the stake broke), over one bush I have the mesh lights, and this little spheres of white lights over the walk way to the front door. I need to buy more extention chords because I'm all paranoid about starting some kind of fire if I attach more than two strands together. I want to get something to do on the top story, but we don't have a tall enough ladder at the moment to do much. I'm thinking of just getting one of those angel light things or something and hanging outside the window of the upstaris bonus room and leave the window open a crack and plug it in in the house. Or I'll put something on the garage door that doesn't open. Oh i'm so excited. I'm getting all in the chirstmas spirit!
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[06 Dec 2003|01:10pm]
Now I realize I'm the only one who noticed this the first time, but I have to point out one more thing about the error in this week's new episode of Frasier (which aired on Tuesday on NBC). As I said to entries before, on Tuesday Roz's sister was on. Last time she was on Frasier was poising as Roz's boyfriend Roger. Now on Tuesday Roz's sister knew him as Frasier and seemed okay with the fact that he was no 'Roger'. Okay so I noticed it and probably no one else. Then, the show is in it's 11th season now, but last night the repeat that they just HAPPENED to show was the one where Frasier was posing as Roger. Isn't that stupid timing? Sad part is, I do have a life; that has just been bother me. (I do I sweare!)

I decided to stay home tonight. I don't exactly remember why I decided to do that. Now I'm here, wishing I were out. Blah.


Okay, now it's Saturday. Half way through posing last night I got side tracked and found this post here this morning. In a minute I am off to do the ever manly task of hanging the christmas lights. I suppose it would be a little sadder if my dad bothered to do it more than a handful of time, but oh well, the responsibility has fallen on my head. I get all the man-chores. lol. I'm not complaining, i really don't mind. =) I'm looking forward to haning the lights. you must all come and look at me beautiful creation when I am done!

I'm off, ho ho ho! lol. Oh, I gave Kate a Bible last night and I think she is reading it. I put a big emphass on the Old Testiment and I have been doing a lot of Chanukah research lately. She's got a beef with christianity at the moment, so I am trying to take another route to interducing her to God (and organzied religion). Plus I really miss Chanukah, we used to do it when I was little. Okay, now i'm really off. bye!
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